One week has passed since I arrived at Kansai Air Port in Osaka on Tuesday August 28th. In the first week, my initial shock was less than I had expected. To my surprise, everything looks normal though it is very different from Bay Area. On the way to a temporally apartment we would stay, my husband and I went to Osho – a famous Chinese restaurant chain similar to Mr. Chau's Fast Food but much better in taste. As soon as entered the restaurant, we felt restless. Something was really wrong there. The sight was totally colorless. Pretty young waitress who greeted us, cooks who were hectically working in the kitchen, tired middle aged office workers sitting at the counter who are eating in silence, and a young group behind our table talking aloud, they were all Japanese. There were no Asians from other countries, no Mexicans, no Caucasians or no Blacks. The lack of diversity looked unusual for us. Even after we went out from the restaurant, the street was filled with Japanese people with black hair and yellow skin. They dressed in a fashionable way but looked similar in style. I felt somehow isolated in the monotonous scene. People on the street looked boring and uninteresting. I wanted to keep the distance from them. I wanted to shout I was different because I had lived in the US for 6 years. I should have changed significantly.I should not be one of them.
However my shoulder got relaxed and tensed muscle was totally released in a familiar environment. Whether I like it or not, this is my home country where I was born and brought up. I could not suppress the serge of the feeling that I belong to this exotic world. I had enjoyed living in the U.S. Leaving the freedom behind was painful and I had assumed entering a more restricted culture was very frustrating. So I was astonished to see that the shock was only at the cognitive level and did not threat my identity. Deep in my emotion, I was pleased to come back to Japan.
Am I happy to be here or not? Do I want to assimilate or not? While I saw two feelings fighting, I was sure the later will eventually defeat the first. I felt something very meaningful was going. The anticipation of the future loss made me sad.
As we walked, my husband made an utterance. "We came back to furidashi” It is a starting point of a board game called sugoroku. This expression has a negative connotation that we have to start from the scratch without gaining any thing from a long struggle.
His thought sounded right to me but I resisted accepting it. If I did, it would be what was going to take a place. I do not want to lose anything I gained in Bay Area. So I made a resolution: I will try my best to keep the duality here in Japan.
